We Came. We Saw. We Squandered

Cat looked sadly at her new Roman purchases. Panda had requested quite firmly that Cat refrain from spending any more Euros’. The new bag had been a bargain and the latest statue almost a steal. Half the price of the same article bought at the Vatican, a story that will come in later.


Cats bag had reached it limit of small statuaries, key rings and t-shirts, books, bags, purses, thimbles, spoons and glass dishes were wrapped in her clothes and stored in the bulging suite case. Bits of England, France and Italy, in the future her children would have the honour to pass on these memories to the nearest opportunity shop.

So much had happened on the tour, so little time and so much difficulty to access the internet, Cat was left to reminisce on the high lights of the trip. A bus trip around Europe sounds like an adventure, looks like and adventure, and often act like a disaster on 8 wheels. The problem with bus trips is that it often attracts penguins, thought Cat. She was reminded of a conversation the trio had in the planning of the trip.

Panda had said grimly “I hope there are no penguins on the trip”. Woo had been a bit horrified to think Panda was being just a bit racist. Panda explained that Penguins were not so much a race as a state of being, a condition that afflicted creatures. They might start out cute and cuddly but over time they fail to develop resistance to the miseries. They went from cute and cuddly to neck stretching, clacking, complainers shuffling and huddling together. They squawked and clacked over any real or imagines slight, difficulty and disturbance. They could turn a warm day icy. Pandas had centuries ago done battle with the Penguins and ate them for breakfast.

“Rubbish,” said Woo, “there are no penguins in China!!”.

“Well not anymore,” said Panda.

“But Panda’s are vegetarians!!!”, said an incredulous Woo.

“ True we are now”, said Panda. “Now we are the Tao of the Panda we are at peace with all creatures.” Cat rolled her eyes and purred “Tao of Panda”

SWINGING IN LONDONINUM

London had been a great adventure. The Fischer King had prepared a great dinner for them and they had eaten and laughed long into the night. The Fischer King’s youngest son Laurence the piano playing Bobby was there to help open bottles and keep the wine flowing. Woo kept the conversation flowing; Panda threw away all pretence of vegetarianism and devoured a pig. Cat purred Tao of Panda indistinctly.

The Trafalgar Tour de Force Begins

Cat, Panda and Woo hopped on the big Trafalgar bus in London, and the tour guide Nathan the Kelpie introduced himself. As first on the bus the trio settled in to some decent seats. The bus began to collect other passengers, fellow adventurers from Ecuador, Mexico, Canada, USA and the usually noisy flock of Aussies. Panda sniffed and licked his lips. He had already detected the strong fishy odour of penguin.

The white cliffs of Dover were the leaping off point for the tour, all aboard the ferry to Calais. With the cry “Chocks away Ginger”, Woo led the rush to the front of the boat. It was a sort of D-Day operation with Nathan trying to hold the attention of the group with instructions that were half heard and ignored.

On a new bus with a new driver Rafaelli the tour quickly adjusted to living in cramped and crowded conditions. Nathan pointed out sights of interest the rain swept fields that were once the trenches of the Somme. The tall cliffs and mountains near Marseilles that hid the French Résistance and Nancy Wake. Nancy , code named the white mouse, The most highly decorated person of WWII and suitably ignored by Australia. It was no surprise that in this land of ancient conflicts the continuing battle of the Bubbles was to be waged.

The Trafalgar Champaign Campaign

Woo quickly teamed up with a yellow crested lorikeet called Anne and they chirped along for most of the trip. Anne was a great ally for Woo in her battle against the bubbles. The Bubbles had their legions and the Trafalgar Team were forced to fight a guerrilla campaign throughout Europe. Often the French Canadian Bambi’s twins (Nat and Lyn) would enter the fray hold their own in the skirmishes. The Trafalgar Team had enough reserves to cover the trip. However, the star players were Paladin Nick, son of Anne, two night owls, Tom and Greg and of course Woo and Jools. By the end of the tour the vanguard were weary but stalwart in defence. Statistics for the battles are as follows

Team Trafalgar vs 20 thousand litres of assorted wines and beers, sparkly drinks and spritz’s, not forgetting lemoncellos.



Not a Bubble left standing. Medals were confirmed on Jools for competing following a battle in the South of France. While severely wounded she had done her best to keep up with the rest of the troupe.



Paris, the city of love.

The city of the Eiffel tower, night markets, pickpockets and African seagulls. Panda, Cat and Woo were delighted to catch up with Jools in Paris. They met in the lobby of the hotel and danced a jig and hugged each other. Panda did not dance, but shuffled his feet and gave Jools a bear hug. The tour was on.

Paris, at night, the Tower, spectacular, until out of the darkness came the African seagulls, crowding around like the tourists were a bucket of chips on the beach. “Buy. Buy. Buy”, they chirped and pecked at the group. Nathan the Kelpie, on guard as usual, warning his flock, before they got fleeced, not to buy from anyone who could run away from the police.

To Be Continued

Cat Panda and Woo Leave The Shire

It has been a traumatic departure from the Shire. The Princess farewelled the sisters Cat and Woo with a perfunctory wave of her regal hand. Cat and Woo had worked very hard to win the  favour of the princess. Yet her heart was captured by the Panda. At his leaving she heaved great swollen tears of sorrow from the bottom of her heart, her lungs burst out a high pitched scream at the loss of her Panda. The Princess was unconsolable left in her gardeners cottage without the Panda to fuss and talk to her. No Panda to read her stories or play games like" this little piggy went to market" or "round and round the garden". No Panda to take her into the garden to pick berries or vegetables to chew on. It took a full half hour after seeing Panda off at the station for her to be distractedand forget him completely. Panda too was sad to leave the princess.

Cat was just happy to be back on the top of the pecking order once more. Cat and Panda had plans to meet with Bob and Marilyn in London. They arranged to meet in Trafalgar Square.

Trafalgar Square

 Cat and Panda were a little late due to the confusion that followed when they asked a man for directions. He seemed quite confident and while a little hard to understand Cat and Panda followed his instructions. They soon discovered they were either heading back to where they had come from or were suffering a very dangerous case of de jevu on the tube.As they arrived a second time at Waterloo they relaised the error of trusting locals for directions.

Cat fumed for it was just the sort of thing she would have done to an unsuspecting tourist and now the laugh was on her. Lucky for the man who gave the information he was no where in sight when they returned to Euston Station. Cat kept thinking she was in the middle of a Monolpy Game. Luckily a strike by the train drivers meant that the adventureres would have to use London Cabs to get around.

Bob and Marilyn took Cat and Panda to the National Art Gallery for lunch and then the friends talked and talked and talked themselves dry. They walked around the gallery until there before Cats eyes was the orignial Van Gogh Sunflowers. Cat sat and stared. The moment was impossible to recaputre. Cat just sat and purred. Magic.
Panda was not impressed.
Six hours flew by and the friends had to say goodbye. Tears were shed. It had been twenty years since their last cup of tea and a chat together.

Cat has had all manner of problems finding web connections wiping photos from her camera and now finding that the spell check no longer "parley vous anglaise". Cat stopped, took a long deep breath and sighed "Merde".

Castles and Chagal

Wednesday in Kent.
A big excitement filled the room, Woo wanted to see a real castle and this was about to become real. Cat wanted to go to a church where windows were crafted by Chagal. Cat's friend Gael the Womble had told her it was a must. Narna called her father Bob Knower of Things and Obscure Meanings and asked for his assistance with the day. SatNav's were organised and the convoy set off. The weather in the Weald had again proved itself to be kind and merciful. A soft sun and a brisk breeze kept the travellers comfy and ready to search and explore.
First stop was the Church - All Saints at Tudley (pronounced Two-dlee)..While Tudley had been occupied well before the Romans the Church had come into during the last years of King Edward the confessor. This dates the site back to 1066
Marc Chagal was commissioned to create a stained glass window to commorate the 1963 death of  Sarah Goldsmid.
The blend of Ancient and Modern in the Church held the trio in awe.
Princess Sia wrote in the visitors book, and they all left, hurridley.
The Weald of Kent was famous for its hops and Oast Barns were everywhere. Fortunately Panda took lots of photos as Cat managed to wipe hers from her camera - modern camera's far to many buttons.

Hever Castle
The home of Anne Bolyn, a magnificent castle with two moats and a a fragrant rose garden that enveloped the senses.
The Castle was all that Woo had hoped the 13th century set in magnificent grounds.
It was at the castle that Woo was embarrassed by a small frightened boy asking his father, in the rich plummy tones of the very British UC, "Where are those people from Father?" "Don't be afraid Tristan they are from Australia".
Not only had the trio acquired accents but apparently they had descended on Hever Castle like a flock of screaming galahs.
That was another thing thought Cat about having acquired an accent, I am finding it very difficult to understand what people are saying.

Panda spent the day chatting to Bob the Knower of Things and was beginning to blend in and look much like a badger.

Apart from the incident involving the purchasing of postcards it was a perfect day.

Cat had decided to purchase a postcard and lined up politely behind a woman involved in the simple task of purchasing a season ticket. The woman began to make the simple task extremely complicated and involved questioning the rather large bored teenager in the booth about all possible permutations
"If my husband doesn't come can I still use .....blah blah blah."

Woo watched in trepidation as she saw Cat, her ears flattening and foot tapping. All the signs were there of a Cat about to explode and rip the booth to shreds.
She whispered as quietly as a an Australian can "DO WE REALLY NEED THESE POSTCARDS?"
Cat placed the postcard on the booth's ledge and with a dark and threatening look towards the oblivious teenager who remained totally disengaged from everyone including the thick woman buying the season ticket.

Cat began a cruel mocking imitation of the woman and Woo listened amused and relieved to have distracted  Cat.

A meal of Fish and Chips. Cod and chips with curry sauce and peas. A very English meal.

High Tea at High Rocks

Princess Sia

Another exceptional day for the Weald, bright and shiny, enough warmth in the sun, just enough chill in the air for a balanced and agreeable day. The routine of things was beginning, Woo curled up on the floor was awakened by Cat rummaging around in the square meter of a kitchen looking for tea and toast. Cat would brew tea and make cheese on toast . Both would sit, Woo on the floor, Cat on a chair and plan the day ahead. What did they want to visit today?. Woo started, “Marks and Sparks.”

“And Tescos,” said Cat, “Postcards.” The list went on until it was whittled back later by Narna the Wise to Victoria Shopping Centre and High Rocks.

Panda snoozed through the deliberations happy to go with whatever was happening. Once the Princess was awake he was on call anyway, he needed his rest.

Victoria Shopping Centre revealed much about the British way of life. Some of which horrified Panda, to park in the shopping centre cost several pounds. No such thing as a free park. Marks and Spencers was a revelation. It seems that the British like all their food pre-cooked and wrapped in plastic. Amazing food from all over the world could be unwrapped, shoved in an oven and Wha-Lah gourmet meal for dinner.

As the Princess demanded the shopping cruise end the next part of the tour began. The journey to High Rocks.

These rocks were named in the 15th century because they were indeed high. Imagination is a highly prized gift in the UK.

The Inn at the High Rocks served a particularly lovely lunch, in a particularly lovely garden. The English knew gardens that was for sure thought Cat as she spied the expanse of green and the ordered rows of flowers. Except for the curios habit of bringing their dogs.

The Princess freed from her perambulator ran her toes through the grass and headed off to explore the garden with Panda a respectful distance behind.

Meals were ordered in the lower front bar. This proved to be an extraordinarily difficult experience for Cat. It appeared that in the process of travelling from Brisbane to Kent Cat had acquired an accent. The Argentinean waiter had difficulty understanding Cat and Cat’s Spanish was limited to Hey Hose and Ariba Ariba , which did not help with ordering the beer at all. It seemed that yes they had no coronas’ and ended with a sliver of lime placed in all beer, cider and Pepsi. Narna came to the rescue and confused the Argentinean even more. Woo and Cat began to softly sing in the background,

Don’t buy for me Argentina, The truth is we don’t understand you
Have you Coronas, have you cider, not to be rude
Can you decipher.

The lunch and the service made up for it all.

After exploring the rocks and the carvings dating back to the 1700’s. “ Graffiti is not new at all,” mused Panda.

The journey home saw an exhausted Panda and Princess doze off. At home Andy Pants was channelling Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and prepared a delicious Thai Green Curry from first principles. Not a plastic wrapper in sight. All the vegetables were from his garden. The chicken may have come hermetically sealed.

Nonetheless the meal was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Dogs In Pubs

The trio arrived tired and worn out at Heathrow. They survived the long walk through customs, solved the mystery of the lost African boy, Panda  greatly relieved that there was no need for a cavity search. Woo was just that little bit disappointed.

Neither Cat, Panda nor Woo had expected the walk to the baggage carousels to be so long. They walked half way to London to collect their bags and trudged on to the exit.

All at once Woo burst into tears as Dana Banana (aka Narna) and Andy came into view. It had been a long, long time for Woo and her best friend in the whole wide world. Now they could laugh and talk together they cried very happy tears.

Woo and Narna hugged and cried some more. Andy smiled. Cat and Panda stood back, even Cat knew this was a special moment for Woo.

Andy took charge and led the troop back to the car where he fit all the bags and ports in neatly. Panda, Cat and Woo shared the back seat and it was a very tight fit.

In Pembury the house where Narna and Andy lived was built in Victorian times, it was then the Gardener’s Cottage. The old coach house next door had been converted into a home and the manor house belonged to a forensic accountant. Andy promised to show the trio his allotment when there was time.

In the Gardener’s Cottage lived the beautiful Princess Sia. She rules wisely, her rules are simple, do what I want , when I want and all will be well. Cat was delegated the task of reading stories as soon as she arrived. Sleeping arrangements were sorted, Woo got the couch and Panda and Cat the cellar.

First evening in England Andy arranged for dinner at the Black Horse. This is an old English Pub dating from 12th century. Best of all to Andy and Panda’s glee it was a bank holiday special and the meal, a lovely roast was free.

At the Black Horse , Sia’s Grumps and Grammy came to eat and play as well. It was a grand night.

The three travellers came home to the house of the Princess and went to bed and slept and slept.

Monday – Day One in Pembury

Woodland walk in Pembury

In the morning or rather later in the morning, closer to lunch time, the intrepid travellers walked through a woodland and visited a grave yard. The Princess began to tire and was carried some of the way home in Panda’s arms.

Andy came home from work and the entourage set out to find another Olde Worlde establishment. Panda was looking forward to another meal, Cat was excited to see another building from the 15th century, Woo had twigged that they were on a pub crawl though Kent.

Arriving at the Mark’s Cross they enjoyed fish and chips and Woo had her very first English bangers and mash. All three were in tourist heaven.

Then Woo exclaimed “They have dogs in the Pub”.

“Yes dogs are allowed in English pubs,” Narna gave a matter- of- fact reply.

“Really??” said a surprised Panda a little confused about health and safety rules. There are none.

Lucille of Marks Cross

“We are in a Pub? With Dogs!!!!”, Cat called out as she wrapped her claws around a beam supporting the rather low 15th century ceiling.

The party moved outside to battle wasps and let the Princess run free. Woo held back and talked to the dogs for a while, Lucille had been bitten by an adder and was feeling sorely.

n the garden the view was stunning. A dalmatian and a couple of terriers sat well behaved and relaxed with their human servants soaking up the warmth of the day. The Princess ran like an unruly puppy set free from a leash. Her entourage, taking shifts, tried to keep up with her. Finally all were so exhausted they came home, had toast for tea and fell into a deep exhausted sleep.

Monday was over it was a day in which day Woo had found links to her perhaps heritage, for there guarding Marks Cross was a rather regal owl, Panda discovered dogs in Pubs. Cat discovered God was probably English and that she was second place to the Princess.

All was right in the world.