Singapore swings

A night of cramp and discomfort for Panda and Cat as they attempted to curl up and under two seats that were perfect for size 8 bottoms, but nowhere near big enough for XXXL. Woo had managed to score the seat in front of Cat and Panda. As luck would have it she was sitting next to a bejewelled Rosella. It happened that Ramon worked as a window dresser for David Jones and on his way to Siberia for a holiday and a sable hat. Cat questioned the ethics of  a bird wearing the pelt of an animal. Ramon replied that he did not actually kill the sable so it was ok. The logic appealed to Cat in a warped way.

At Singapore airport whie exchanging money for a cup of tea, Cat dropped her passport and was saved by a quick pick up by Woo. Panda still does not know.

Another 13 hours to go.

What larks will be had on the second leg.

Beauty Secrets

“Why” puffed cat, “does everybody I love live on the top of a hill?”

“That’s not true Cat” spoke Woo as she flounced ahead and pirouetted walking backwards to face the wheezy Cat.
“You don’t love anybody”.
“True, I am after all a cat and nature takes precedence”.
“Where are we going to again?” twirled Woo tiptoeing along side Cat.
“We are off to see my friend Shakespeare, she is my hairdresser and she works from home”
“Oooh lovely,” preened Woo.

The final steps to Shakespeare’s trim little cottage with the white picket fence took great effort on the part of Cat. She flopped exhausted and lay panting against the pretty bright blue door.
Woo looked at Cat with some concern as she was not sure of the way home. Woo rang the door bell.

The door opened with a flourish, causing Cat to flop with a thwop on the thick pink carpet. What appeared was a small tubby Bilby wearing an emerald green turban and a flowing rainbow kaftan. It greeted the two with a flourish. Her long pointed nose and bright shiny eyes and delicate outstretched hands welcomed them in. Woo was a little taken aback as she knew bilbies to be rather quiet retiring types more likely to be found in a library telling her to shush than that which now stood before her.

“Huooloo my lovelies do come on in. My, Cat you do look just a wee bit worn out, my dearie”. She held up her small hand in greeting to Woo saying, “welcome, welcome, take a chair and lay your wee weary body down, relax take it easy, you are now on the hands of experts. My name is Shakespeare, I am not just a hairdresser and beautician I am a TAFE qualified artiste. I can see my life’s work has just entered my humble establishment”. Woo was even more taken aback by the lilting Edinburgh accent.

As Woo entered the cottage she saw that the front parlour had been converted into a complete beauty salon with plush chairs for two. Cat crawled into the nearest chair and lay back surrendering to its luxury.

“Jist sit yoursleves down and I will get one of my assistants to bring you both a nice cup of tea.

“Haggis” yelled Shakespeare, “two teas, no sugar for the Cat.”

A creature not unlike a Kiwi scurried into the room looked at Woo and Cat and snapped “No milk”.

Haggis

“Yes please” said Cat.

“No yer daft cat Uh men there us no mulk”. The Haggis spoke with a thick New Zealand accent.

Woo gave the creature a quizzical look. Shakespeare shook her head and apologised “I cudne get a REAL Haggis I have been forced to hire this mock Haggis from NZ". Well thought Woo that explains the all blacks jersey.

Shakespeare continued “he is not all that good in the kitchen but he is a dab hand with the crossword”. Woo could only agree with the last part of that sentence as she was still waiting on the tea.

Cat moaned form her chair – this day was deteriorating fast. The hill and now there was no milk for her tea.

“Dinna fush ,Cat, vanity feels no pain”, soothed Shakespeare. A pretty young possum began to take instruction from Shakespeare and began to comb and trim Cat's hair.

"Are we having the same as usual" the possum asked Cat. Woo looked in sympathy at the poor creature as Cat's eyes glared at her. "I will be having a colour and trim please".

Shakespeare smiled, "Och she is a sweetie my new apprentice. Ash, this is Cat and just the usual for her and by the look of it nails as well."

"Shuz u pist ",barked Haggis from the kitchen. Ash looked crestfallen,

Shakespeare began primping Cats curls, brushing them too and fro. Cat purred and looked at Shakespeare in the mirror. “I am afraid I have some worries - I seem to be going bald here on my tummy. I just don’t understand it”.

Haggis entered with a tray of steaming cups of tea and a plate of Anzac biscuits.

“Puffuctly obvus ya daft Cat you’re fat and yau billy has bin draggin on the ground”.

“Hush now Haggis back in the kitchen now and leave the sweet talking to me. Cat you are fat, this is true” burred Shakespeare magically rolling her “Rrr’s”, “However, I do have a product I will offer you later at an exorbitant price that will magically make a world of difference”.

Cat purred“you are the best, Shakespeare, you are the best.”

Woo could not believe what she was seeing, Cat not attacking, just laying back and being almost nice.

Woo's spider senses were tingling and she knew there was something not quite right.

“Shakespeare”, she asked carefully, “are there many bilbies in Scotland?”

“Ummmm, possibly” replied Shakespeare.

“It’s just that I have never met a bilby with a Scottish accent before”.

Ash looked at Shakespeare as if she had suddenly thought the same Woo thought.

A great clanging and dropping of pots from the kitchen almost broke the moment.

However, Woo persisted, “Exactly which part of Scotland do you come from?”.

Cat murmured “Shhhh Woo it’s a secret”.

Woo suddenly sat up ad looked around the room, she loved secrets, the bigger the better. There was only one thing greater than a secret and that was the on-telling of that secret to another person in ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE.

At the same moment Haggis came barrelling into the room, tripping over his long feet he sent a tray flying. The contents spilled all over Shakespeare drenching her in tea and milk. Biscuits went hurtling and scattering over the floor. Cat dove for the biscuits, Haggis continued to scrabble and slip over the floor coming to rest under the sink where Ash was preparing a colour mixture. Ash screamed frantically as blonde colouring fell on her chest. Woo promptly placed her head in a basket of towels.

It took a couple of minutes for order to be restored. Haggis grumbled a sorry and began sweeping up broken pots, plates and cups. Cat climbed back into her chair and wiped the crumbs from her whiskers. Ash sat in the sink pouring water over her tummy moaning as a heart shaped patch of blonde fur began to form on her chest. Woo cautiously lifted her head from the towel basket.

Shakespeare lay on the floor – her turban had fallen off, and a pair of long white furry floppy ears appeared. As her long pointy nose fell off a short twitchy nose appeared. Woo looked in astonishment and tossing towels aside proclaimed “You’re a RABBIT”.

“Of course I am a rabbit, you daft bird” replied a very angry Scottish bunny.
“Why the disguise?” asked a bewildered Woo.
Cat looked at Woo “Because rabbits are illegal in Queensland that’s why”.
“That’s terrible”, said Woo. “How can she be here – she’s an illegal alien, shouldn’t she should be in Nauru or something?”

“Don’t be stupid its not the whole country its only Queensland where she is illegal. She should be is south of the border in South Australia or somewhere".
“But” burred the Scottish bunny, “I just love it here in Queensland, I arrived in Nimbin when I first flew in and then moved with a travelling magic show to Maleny. I loved the alternative life, the green grass, the vibe. In order to stay I had to start wearing this disguise. Ahhh Queensland the sunshine state, perfect one day and more perfect the next. Thankfully not that smart”.
How long have you been living this lie? asked Ash, in sad small voice.
“Och lassie, for way too long now, in a way I am glad my secret is out in the open. Perhaps I should move south and be legal again.
“What about my apprenticeship?” wailed Ash.
“What about my nails?” demanded Cat..
“What about tomorrow’s crossword?” cried Haggis.
“You really cannot disappoint all these people, Shakespeare, you have to stay and continue even tho you are an illegal alien” counselled Woo.
“I am not an alien I am just considered a feral pest”.
Looking around the room, Woo, putting on her wisest face said “Well I guess we are all feral pests somewhere in the world. One country’s native is another’s pest”.

Some hours later, hair done, nails done Woo and Cat left the cute little cottage and its strange group of friends.

“Ahh” said Cat “I do love a hill that goes down, tell me honestly does my bum look big in this?’

Woo looked down at Shakespeare’s solution to Cats dragging belly, an elastic body suit that gripped her so tightly around the stomach that Cat looked much like a toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle, “Be honest now Woo”.

Woo smiled and said sweetly “Not at all, dear sister, not at all” Yes and I do love a secret thought Woo. She danced and fanned out her multicoloured feathers I do love a secret.

To the end of the Earth and beyond.

Another fine day thought Cat as she stretched and purred in the sun. Perfect day for a morning stroll. Panda continued to sleep on. He was in training for the Big Trip. He was adjusting his body clock so he would be able to operate on GMT the moment the plane landed. Cat was in awe of Panda's dedication. How he managed to sit up until 2-3am every night and raise himself up each midday showed the true dedication of a conscientious athlete. Thankfully, they had Foxtel and Panda could force himself to stay awake though every known football code. It occurred to Cat that Panda must have been planning for this particular Big Trip all his life.

Cat set off on her walk and came to the hill that led to Woo's cabin. Woo had been ill again, not wounded in action against the bubbles, she was cold sick and  feeling poorly. Cat stood at the bottom of the hill and wondered if she really cared enough to struggle up and visit Woo. In the end the chance of a fitter Cat for the Big Trip won out and she began the journey up Wheezy Hill.

Woo's house was quiet, even Axel the guard was missing in action. Truley it was only 2 am in London but surely now at 11am (Brisbane) she should be awake, thought Cat.

The door to the cabin swung open and Dr Si invited Cat in.
"How is the Woo today, Dr Si?"
"She is better but still poorly" replied the good Dr.
Cat heard a deep wet cough from the hallway and Woo dragged her self into the room. She coughed again and Cat winced. Nasty fur-ball, thought Cat.

Dr Si sat down and the three began to talk about the Big Trip. The kettle boiled and Dr Si brewed up some peppermint and lemon tea for Woo and himself and dandelion for Cat.
"Are those Anzac biscuits?" asked Cat.
"Yes", said Dr Si proudly, "from Coles for $1.99, a bargain. I am surprised Panda did not pick them up".
"No, he prefers Aldi. Though these are particularly nice biscuits", said Cat as she carefully dipped her biscuit into her tea.

Dr Si and Panda could talk for hours over bargains gained and lost. It seemed to both Cat and Woo a strange ritual as they both shopped on a seen and needs basis. Having seen a product they then know they need it - price no object. Panda and Dr Si were much more discriminating. If it was cheap and a bargain they bought it. Of course the fact that no one wanted to eat that much cabbage, or past due packets, was never as important as the realization that this was a bargain meal. Cat and her pandaroos would often sit before a plate of something suspicious while Panda would proudly boast that he could feed a family for less than a $1 each. Cat and Woo suspected Dr Si and Panda were locked into a competition in which neither Cat nor Woo could win.

Woo started to feel better and brought out some brochures and travel maps for consultation. Cat measured the distance from Brisbane to Singapore and Singapore to London.
"Does not look that far, as the crow flies" proclaimed Dr Si.

Cat an Woo laughed until Woo began to choke on her cough and Cat was caught between sympathy and delight at Woo's misery. It was a moment of pure sisterly love and delicious betrayal. They both knew crows could not fly in a straight line. Cat's father (Woo's perhaps father) had been a crow and he could not often walk a straight line let alone take wing and fly straight. Their same mother had often told them that father could not even lie straight in bed. They both cackled to each other.


Dr Si adjusted his spectacles and looked at the two rolling on the couch laughing.

"Naturally,"he pontificated "it only looks like a straight line on the map. It is, however, much further as the earth is, of course, spherical in shape".

Cat opened her eyes wide and smiled a creamy smile. Woo began to feel agitated as she knew the nature behind the smile.
"Really!" smoothed Cat. "The earth is a ball".
"No it is a sphere, which is like a ball but a little squashed" he condescended from a great height built entirely of empirical knowledge.

Woo began to nervously flutter "any more tea?" Cat nodded mercifully toward her cup. Woo hurried to the kitchen and buried her head in the sugar bowl.

"So! Good Dr, how do you explain that the earth is round when quite clearly it is flat. Just consider as evidence the map before you. Brisbane, Singapore and London laid two dimensionally before you".

Dr Si spluttered his disbelief, "surely you cannot believe the Earth is FLAT!!!"
"I did not say I believed it to be so. I merely asked  you explain it to be otherwise".

Woo surfaced at the same time as both Cat and Dr Si saw the last remaining Anzac biscuit. Woo heard Cat purr, "Winner takes all" before plunging again int the safety of the sugar bowl.

Dr Si PhD (Physics major and  Wizard of the computer and all things mathematical ) began his lecture with great seriousness. First he laid out the Greeks, then onward and unrelenting from Columbus to Newton. He paused to catch a breath and then went on to the entire Apollo mission, as he reached for his lap top to complete his discourse by visiting Google Earth.

Cat held up her paw, as if to surrender the argument and let the conversation go. Dr Si smirked, satisfied, he eyed the biscuit.

"OK, Dr Si", she sighed. "OK just one thing how then do you explain two things. Firstly, the photo at the beginning of this story", she held up the photo of the four travelers, "definitely two dimensional.  Also this photo of the Earth still two dimensional. Ergo, ipso facto, the earth is two dimensional and, therefore, flat as a tack".
Dr Si spluttered and stammered "Its a proven scientific fact the world is sphere hanging in space".
Cat smiled again and lifted her paw allowing the argument to escape again.
"Of course you are right Dr Si" she smiled ,"I know the earth is not flat".

She leaned towards him, "After all I climbed the Wheezy hill to get here didn't I". As she leaned forward she deftly picked up the biscuit and licked it, placing back on the plate carefully. "You win!" she declared and looked up triumphant as Woo returned with a tray of tea and sugar crystals stuck to her eyelashes. Dr Si sat in a state of shock having won the argument and lost the prize.

Cat indicated the biscuit on the table, "Are you going to take the last Anzac, Dr Si?"
He shook his head, still trying to work out what had  happened.

Cat sat back and nibbled on her prize. She sat thinking that she could have told Dr Si the truth, that there were two hills to Woo's place. The one going up and the other coming down. However, she would leave that until next time, no need to destroy him as he was, truly, such good sport. Best leave that for another day.

Came the time to leave. Cat said good bye to a crushed Dr Si and whispered in Woo's ear "Neither science nor magic, truth or justice can stand in the way of of a good story or the last Anzac biscuit. Now cough up that fur-ball and get well for there is only 20 more sleeps to go".
Woo nodded a cloud of sweet understanding, "victory is indeed a sweet thing" she murmured in reply.

Cat stepped out into the sun and allowed it to give her a silky warm caress. Yes indeed this had been a good walk this morning.