Beauty Secrets

“Why” puffed cat, “does everybody I love live on the top of a hill?”

“That’s not true Cat” spoke Woo as she flounced ahead and pirouetted walking backwards to face the wheezy Cat.
“You don’t love anybody”.
“True, I am after all a cat and nature takes precedence”.
“Where are we going to again?” twirled Woo tiptoeing along side Cat.
“We are off to see my friend Shakespeare, she is my hairdresser and she works from home”
“Oooh lovely,” preened Woo.

The final steps to Shakespeare’s trim little cottage with the white picket fence took great effort on the part of Cat. She flopped exhausted and lay panting against the pretty bright blue door.
Woo looked at Cat with some concern as she was not sure of the way home. Woo rang the door bell.

The door opened with a flourish, causing Cat to flop with a thwop on the thick pink carpet. What appeared was a small tubby Bilby wearing an emerald green turban and a flowing rainbow kaftan. It greeted the two with a flourish. Her long pointed nose and bright shiny eyes and delicate outstretched hands welcomed them in. Woo was a little taken aback as she knew bilbies to be rather quiet retiring types more likely to be found in a library telling her to shush than that which now stood before her.

“Huooloo my lovelies do come on in. My, Cat you do look just a wee bit worn out, my dearie”. She held up her small hand in greeting to Woo saying, “welcome, welcome, take a chair and lay your wee weary body down, relax take it easy, you are now on the hands of experts. My name is Shakespeare, I am not just a hairdresser and beautician I am a TAFE qualified artiste. I can see my life’s work has just entered my humble establishment”. Woo was even more taken aback by the lilting Edinburgh accent.

As Woo entered the cottage she saw that the front parlour had been converted into a complete beauty salon with plush chairs for two. Cat crawled into the nearest chair and lay back surrendering to its luxury.

“Jist sit yoursleves down and I will get one of my assistants to bring you both a nice cup of tea.

“Haggis” yelled Shakespeare, “two teas, no sugar for the Cat.”

A creature not unlike a Kiwi scurried into the room looked at Woo and Cat and snapped “No milk”.

Haggis

“Yes please” said Cat.

“No yer daft cat Uh men there us no mulk”. The Haggis spoke with a thick New Zealand accent.

Woo gave the creature a quizzical look. Shakespeare shook her head and apologised “I cudne get a REAL Haggis I have been forced to hire this mock Haggis from NZ". Well thought Woo that explains the all blacks jersey.

Shakespeare continued “he is not all that good in the kitchen but he is a dab hand with the crossword”. Woo could only agree with the last part of that sentence as she was still waiting on the tea.

Cat moaned form her chair – this day was deteriorating fast. The hill and now there was no milk for her tea.

“Dinna fush ,Cat, vanity feels no pain”, soothed Shakespeare. A pretty young possum began to take instruction from Shakespeare and began to comb and trim Cat's hair.

"Are we having the same as usual" the possum asked Cat. Woo looked in sympathy at the poor creature as Cat's eyes glared at her. "I will be having a colour and trim please".

Shakespeare smiled, "Och she is a sweetie my new apprentice. Ash, this is Cat and just the usual for her and by the look of it nails as well."

"Shuz u pist ",barked Haggis from the kitchen. Ash looked crestfallen,

Shakespeare began primping Cats curls, brushing them too and fro. Cat purred and looked at Shakespeare in the mirror. “I am afraid I have some worries - I seem to be going bald here on my tummy. I just don’t understand it”.

Haggis entered with a tray of steaming cups of tea and a plate of Anzac biscuits.

“Puffuctly obvus ya daft Cat you’re fat and yau billy has bin draggin on the ground”.

“Hush now Haggis back in the kitchen now and leave the sweet talking to me. Cat you are fat, this is true” burred Shakespeare magically rolling her “Rrr’s”, “However, I do have a product I will offer you later at an exorbitant price that will magically make a world of difference”.

Cat purred“you are the best, Shakespeare, you are the best.”

Woo could not believe what she was seeing, Cat not attacking, just laying back and being almost nice.

Woo's spider senses were tingling and she knew there was something not quite right.

“Shakespeare”, she asked carefully, “are there many bilbies in Scotland?”

“Ummmm, possibly” replied Shakespeare.

“It’s just that I have never met a bilby with a Scottish accent before”.

Ash looked at Shakespeare as if she had suddenly thought the same Woo thought.

A great clanging and dropping of pots from the kitchen almost broke the moment.

However, Woo persisted, “Exactly which part of Scotland do you come from?”.

Cat murmured “Shhhh Woo it’s a secret”.

Woo suddenly sat up ad looked around the room, she loved secrets, the bigger the better. There was only one thing greater than a secret and that was the on-telling of that secret to another person in ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE.

At the same moment Haggis came barrelling into the room, tripping over his long feet he sent a tray flying. The contents spilled all over Shakespeare drenching her in tea and milk. Biscuits went hurtling and scattering over the floor. Cat dove for the biscuits, Haggis continued to scrabble and slip over the floor coming to rest under the sink where Ash was preparing a colour mixture. Ash screamed frantically as blonde colouring fell on her chest. Woo promptly placed her head in a basket of towels.

It took a couple of minutes for order to be restored. Haggis grumbled a sorry and began sweeping up broken pots, plates and cups. Cat climbed back into her chair and wiped the crumbs from her whiskers. Ash sat in the sink pouring water over her tummy moaning as a heart shaped patch of blonde fur began to form on her chest. Woo cautiously lifted her head from the towel basket.

Shakespeare lay on the floor – her turban had fallen off, and a pair of long white furry floppy ears appeared. As her long pointy nose fell off a short twitchy nose appeared. Woo looked in astonishment and tossing towels aside proclaimed “You’re a RABBIT”.

“Of course I am a rabbit, you daft bird” replied a very angry Scottish bunny.
“Why the disguise?” asked a bewildered Woo.
Cat looked at Woo “Because rabbits are illegal in Queensland that’s why”.
“That’s terrible”, said Woo. “How can she be here – she’s an illegal alien, shouldn’t she should be in Nauru or something?”

“Don’t be stupid its not the whole country its only Queensland where she is illegal. She should be is south of the border in South Australia or somewhere".
“But” burred the Scottish bunny, “I just love it here in Queensland, I arrived in Nimbin when I first flew in and then moved with a travelling magic show to Maleny. I loved the alternative life, the green grass, the vibe. In order to stay I had to start wearing this disguise. Ahhh Queensland the sunshine state, perfect one day and more perfect the next. Thankfully not that smart”.
How long have you been living this lie? asked Ash, in sad small voice.
“Och lassie, for way too long now, in a way I am glad my secret is out in the open. Perhaps I should move south and be legal again.
“What about my apprenticeship?” wailed Ash.
“What about my nails?” demanded Cat..
“What about tomorrow’s crossword?” cried Haggis.
“You really cannot disappoint all these people, Shakespeare, you have to stay and continue even tho you are an illegal alien” counselled Woo.
“I am not an alien I am just considered a feral pest”.
Looking around the room, Woo, putting on her wisest face said “Well I guess we are all feral pests somewhere in the world. One country’s native is another’s pest”.

Some hours later, hair done, nails done Woo and Cat left the cute little cottage and its strange group of friends.

“Ahh” said Cat “I do love a hill that goes down, tell me honestly does my bum look big in this?’

Woo looked down at Shakespeare’s solution to Cats dragging belly, an elastic body suit that gripped her so tightly around the stomach that Cat looked much like a toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle, “Be honest now Woo”.

Woo smiled and said sweetly “Not at all, dear sister, not at all” Yes and I do love a secret thought Woo. She danced and fanned out her multicoloured feathers I do love a secret.